


you will be alone, always

by Ro29



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: "Infinite Sadness", Angst and Feels, Asexual Obi-Wan Kenobi, Canon Compliant, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Post-Order 66 (Star Wars), Pre-Order 66 (Star Wars), Queerplatonic Relationships, not really brought up but its Important to me that you know that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27678811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ro29/pseuds/Ro29
Summary: You were made for infinite sadness, it whispers again. Taunts, and warns, and cries all at once.The Force is not cruel, but it is not kind either. It just is.Obi-Wan breathes, sets his tea down.I know. He thinks again.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Luke Skywalker
Comments: 62
Kudos: 190
Collections: Jedi Journals, favourite fics from a galaxy far far away





	you will be alone, always

**Author's Note:**

> title is from richard siken's 'litany in which certain things are crossed out.'
> 
> i am...v sad

_You were made to suffer_ , the voice whispers in the back of his head, and Obi-Wan breathes, sips at his tea.

_I know_ , he thinks back, calm and resigned.

The ship is quiet, and still, and he is alone.

_You were made for infinite sadness_ , it whispers again. Taunts, and warns, and cries all at once.

The Force is not cruel, but it is not _kind_ either. It just is.

Obi-Wan breathes, sets his tea down.

_I know_. He thinks again. And doesn’t think about a padawan grown distant and secretive. A master dead and gone. A grandmaster who turned his back on everything they stood for and now tries to tempt Obi-Wan while hurting his padawan, his family and friends.

He doesn’t think about a great-grandmaster grown distant from centuries of loss and a grandpadawan who is too young to be thrust into war like this.

His office is quiet, and he is alone.

He was built to be alone, but he has always been a wretched greedy thing that craved more than that.

He closes his eyes, reaches within himself and lets the feeling flow out of him, doesn’t analyze it as he knows he should and pays for it when all it does is cling even tighter.

He exhales, feels shame bubble up within him, brings it forward, examines it, accepts it, and lets it go.

There is the quiet clink of a cup placed on a desk. And when Obi-Wan opens his eyes it is to a new cup of his favourite tea — not too bitter and not overly sweet, with just a hint of spice — next to him.

Cody stands, perfectly still and perfectly quiet, by the desk. Waits until Obi-Wan whispers, “Thank you, dear one,” and moves to pick the tea up to speak.

“It’s almost late-meal, General.”

Obi-Wan blinks, looks to the Chrono and feels a spike of bewilderment slip through him.

“Oh,” he says faintly, “Why, yes, I suppose it is, my dear. Thank you for the reminder”

Cody doesn’t move, ever patient and ever steady and Obi-Wan breathes, lets the adoration of that gentle steady kindness bubble up and through him, releases it into the Force.

“You need to eat, Sir.” Cody says, stubborn as ever, and Obi-Wan nods.

“Right, of course, go on Commander, I shall join you all in a bit.”

Cody doesn’t move, sighs, “Sir, now, or Helix and Terror will ambush you again.”

He pauses, clenches his hand into a fist and releases it, purses his lips, “Sir, they’re worried about you.”

Obi-Wan breaths, doesn’t laugh, doesn’t say he can’t remember what he last ate or when he last slept. Doesn’t say that he is tired and the war might be killing him, doesn’t say that maybe his medics and Cody are right to worry.

“I apologize, dear one, I’ll take better care of myself.”

Cody gives him a soft look, “No you won’t, Sir.”

Obi-Wan closes his eyes, “No, but I will try.”

Cody reaches out to him and cups his face in kind, calloused hands. Tilts Obi-wan’s head up, eyes flickering over his face.

His hands are gentle, always gentle, and his eyes are warm and worried.

Obi-Wan closes his eyes, tries to escape the emotions in Cody’s eyes, to keep himself from choking on that worry and care.

Cody sighs, presses into _keldabe_ , wraps a grounding hand around the nape of Obi-Wan’s neck and Obi-Wan can feel the press of _worry-love-care-fear-frustration_ Cody is pressing out like it is his own.

“I’m sorry, dear one,” he murmurs, fighting the temptation to open his eyes. He can’t bear the thought of seeing the disappointment in Cody’s eyes that he knows will be there.

Cody sighs. “I know, Sir.”

If Obi-Wan was cruel he would tell Cody that he _didn’t_ know, that there was no way he could possibly know or understand. That his gentle eyes and kind hands and desperate words would never be enough to make things better.

Obi-Wan is many things, but he has always tried to avoid being cruel.

He sighs instead, grabs for Cody’s hands and stays like that for a beat, lets Cody ground him and does his best to reassure Cody in turn.

“I’ve been told,” he murmurs, “that I am very stubborn my dear. This will not be the thing that kills me.”

Cody pulls back, a sad expression on his face, “I believe you, Sir.”

Unspoken in the air lies the fact that this doesn’t need to be the thing that kills him in this war

_You will live_ , the voice whispers, _you will live_.

He tries to find peace in that, as he stands and walks with Cody down to the mess hall.

Can’t help but ask, _Will I want to be._

The voice is quiet, wraps around him gently, like a mother reassuring her child in the face of cruelty.

He walks, ever faithful Cody by his side and so full of life and love and kindness and thinks, shakily, _Will I be alone?_

There is a whisper of wind that should not exist on a ship, full of the of hot, dry scents of the desert.

_You were made for it_. The voice reassures, and Obi-Wan does not cry.

He breathes, leans into Cody’s presence like a dying man, and stands straight and tall.

One thing at a time, win the battle, win the war, and then he can ponder what the Force wants from him.

* * *

Cody curls around him, wraps Obi-Wan up in his arms as if he can protect him from the things that plague him.

Obi-Wan treasures him for that, adores him and his steady companionship that demands nothing.

Cody would do anything for him, Obi-Wan has learned, was terrified by it and overwhelmed with the immensity of the fact.

Obi-Wan would never ask him to, has made that as clear as he could with a kind of desperation he didn’t know he had within him.

_I know,_ Cody had said, carded his fingers through Obi-Wan’s hair, holding him after a particularly bad campaign.

_All I ask of you,_ Cody had whispered, _is that you not try and hide from me._

Obi-Wan has tried very hard to keep that promise. Has failed in more ways than one, and still Cody is steady by his side.

It makes Obi-Wan hope, feverishly and greedily, that maybe he was not built to be alone, that the Force has lied to him. That in the end he will have someone by his side.

He tries not to give himself false hope, can’t help it when he wants it so badly.

The Galaxy grows darker every day and Obi-Wan is desperate not to be alone and Cody holds him, steady and grounding and gentle and oh so _kind_.

Obi-Wan wraps his arms around Cody, holds on with the strength of a drowning man and hopes.

* * *

Cody gives him his lightsaber with a smile, wry and loving and the war is almost over, they are so close to that peace they have been working towards for so long and—

Cody disappears, he can not feel that steady, kind, loving presence.

He falls, and he is alone as the Force screams in pain and anger and love and rage and the lights of the people Obi-Wan has known since before he could speak or walk flicker out one by one.

He is alone, he is _alone_.

_Failure_ , the Force spits and soothes in turns.

_I know_ , he chokes back through the swirling Darkness. _I_ _know_.

* * *

_Anakin_ , he thinks, and wants to vomit, _Anakin._ He shakes and wants to scream he doesn’t want _this_.

Anakin is dying and Obi-Wan did it and it is the only way to try and stop the dark twisted thing from destroying everything and Obi-Wan is ripping his heart out of his chest piece by piece the longer he keeps on going.

_Padmé,_ he thinks desperately, _Padmé and the baby._

If he is to fail Cody and the men, Anakin and the Jedi, at least let him save Padmé, at least let him save the baby.

(He saves the baby, _babies_ , he fails Padmé.)

* * *

_You were built to suffer my child_ , the voice whispers. And Ben closes his eyes against the tears.

_I know_. He murmurs back, shielded from the dark twisted thing ravaging the galaxy for him.

He is alone.

_You were made for infinite sadness, my dear, my child’s teacher, my failure._ The voice hisses, whispers, cries.

_I know_. He thinks, doesn’t sob as the brilliant light of the baby that is his Padawan’s child reaches out desperately for his sister or his mother or his father, finds none of them and reaches instead for him, desperate in the way children are.

Ben breathes out, pushes the little one away, wraps shields warm around him, cocoons him in safety and love.

He is alone.

As he was made to be.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to find me other places I have a [writing tumblr](https://rose-blooms-red.tumblr.com) and a [fandom tumblr](https://themessofthecentury.tumblr.com)
> 
> Please come yell at me about Star Wars and DC!


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